Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
