I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
