I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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