Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
