I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
