i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
So. Much. Porn.
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