just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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