I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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