look no pants
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
