I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
