I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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