Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize