I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
