i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
