Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
