Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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