Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
