she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
