you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
