so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
