Got a toothbrush?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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