I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
