dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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