Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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