My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
