It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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