can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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