She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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