i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
