I'm eating all of the evidence.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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