there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
