If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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