my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Damn victory sex feels great
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
