I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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