I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
