I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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