Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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