apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
