I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
