my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
