Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
