I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
