Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Still dying that you shit outside
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
