her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
