My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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