I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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