Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
