MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm too high and old for this...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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