Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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