So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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