my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
