I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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