i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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