A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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