someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
