If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
