Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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