Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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