shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
