If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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