Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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