3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
