My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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