I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If that was your dad, he is hot
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we're making bets on your personal life
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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