Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I would ride that face into the sunset
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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