Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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