It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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