My balls are so social today.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
