Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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