woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize