____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
