Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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